If you have an ego, you are a narcissist. Healthy narcissism helps us create a sense of self and belonging imperative in navigating this earthly experience. Just like childhood diseases help build our immune system, healthy narcissism protects our self-worth by building immunity to the judgements the world throws at us that might otherwise bury us.
When does healthy narcissism cease to be healthy? When one becomes so self-absorbed they cannot see or understand the needs of others. The whole world revolves around their wants and needs. Or, one becomes so tired and defeated from trying to prove their worth, they retreat from the world; shut down and sink into depression.
How does this happen? Innocently, most of the time. What we believe about how the world operates and what love looks like happens before we are six. Most parents, teachers, authority figures have a very pure intention of bolstering self-esteem in children to help them succeed. And, can unwittingly foster a false belief that their actions can make them more lovable or unlovable. Obviously, this doesn’t happen to every child and I’m not sure we understand why some develop problems and others don’t.
I do know that we all have a journey and what we came to experience, we will. So, on a “Higher Level” everything in our life is working for our Good and leading us to our Truth (Love) even if we do not see it for long time, if ever in this lifetime.
On a third dimensional level however (the world level), the child may come to believe that he or she is only lovable if they are doing the right thing and that there may even be a limit to love. The child may grow to believe that are totally unlovable. They may be unable to give or receive love. They may come to believe they can never do anything right enough or good enough to deserve love.
When we form our belief systems (as a child), we defend them with our very life. We create our life circumstances to prove we are right. “I must be unlovable, people always leave me.” “See, he left…I don’t deserve to be loved.” “I cannot do anything right because, I’m not good enough. I might as well quit trying.” Or, one may over-compensate to hide their perceived sense of unworthiness with an inflated ego…everything revolves around them.
In extreme cases it is easy to see this scenario taking place. For instance, a parent may even disown a child for not living up to their standards. But, most of the time we are just doing the best we can with our children with what we’ve be taught based on our own experience as children. Most of us never knowingly hurt any of our children and there is no question that we love them unconditionally.
So what do we do now if we recognize that we unwittingly gave our children the wrong impression of what love is? Or, we are living with or in close proximity to a full blown narcissist that is creating chaos?
It’s simple. I’m reminded of an Einstein quote, “If the answer is simple, God is speaking”. Our perceived problems and all the solutions exist side by side; together (in wholeness). For every cause there is already an effect. For every question there is already an answer.
If the narcissistic behavior is based on the perception that love is conditional then unconditional love must be the answer.
Someone I’ve been working with gave me the perfect opportunity to put this simple solution to the test. As a recovering narcissist herself, she is struggling to live with one. YAAS! There is a cure. Keep in mind, simple does not necessarily mean “easy”.
Her questions now, “What is my part in this relationship?” “ How can I remain peaceful when he is constantly worrying , needling and criticizing?” “ How can I help him and is it even my job?”
All good questions. Sometimes, we receive from a relationship what we came for ( the purpose has been served) and it is time to leave. I’m reminding of slalom water skiing. I know when the ride is over. If I hang on past that, it’s going to hurt. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some are very brief but the shift in us they create last a lifetime.
For “Highest Best” we are always attracting what we need for Spiritual Growth. The Law of Attraction makes sure this happens (like energy attracts like energy).
In the dysfunctional relationship we are always mirroring “untruths” for each other that are running in the background (subconscious). These relationships continue until the “untruths” are brought into the light of consciousness . This can be a long, painful cycle.
Unconditional love is the mirror that allows others to see themselves “truly” AS LOVE – creating a shortcut.
In answer to her questions Spirit said, “ Try this.” Lead with love. Let love be LOUDER (Meredith Whitney).
- Don’t engage in unloving behavior. It takes two to tango. Just say I LOVE YOU a lot with meaning! “Have I told you lately that I love you? I do.”
- When he says things you don’t agree with or is not true, say “That’s an interesting perspective” (one of my mentor’s favorites). This statement does not push or pull. It is neutral. It has no charge. (If you can’t remain neutral, that is YOUR SIGN to go within and find the sore spot (the untruth) that he is rubbing against.)
- Ask innocent questions like a curious child without judgment (no opinion). This will allow him to question himself without judgment. Judgment buries Truth. It is what buried him and you to begin with.
- Don’t point out his perceived faults or errors. He knows what they are. Calling attention to them holds him in a cycle of self-judgement. JUDGMENT BURIES TRUTH. Simply allow him to learn from the Universal Law of “Cause and Effect” (our natural way of learning).
Our thoughts and actions are the cause and our happiness, discomfort or dis-ease is the effect. Born of Source Creator, it is our journey and mission to uncover the creator within so we can become “conscious creators”.
The experiment has begun and I invite you to participate along with us. If you have a narcissist front and center in your life, I challenge you to Lead with Love…LET LOVE BE LOUDER and see what happens.
I would love to hear! Email me [email protected]
Here’s to your Peace, Joy, LOVE and Abundant Health!